


All That I Am (Is Not Who I Was)

by SnorkleShit



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Bunker, First Kiss, M/M, Post Sacrifice, human cas, kisses yay, slightly au i changed up some theories deal with it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-07
Updated: 2013-10-07
Packaged: 2017-12-28 16:17:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/993988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SnorkleShit/pseuds/SnorkleShit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cas is human, in the bunker, and everyone's got the same questions on there minds.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All That I Am (Is Not Who I Was)

**Author's Note:**

> All that was  
> And all that will ever be  
> Is nothing compared  
> To the way you look at me.

It wasn't a pain exactly,between his shoulder blades. It was like a numbness, a throbbing tingling reminding him of wings that werent there.  
An ache, resonating through every fiber of his meeble being. He was just one mind, one tiny speck in the whole of space and time, when only days ago he had been everything, he had been the universe itself. But what was everything? Was everything the light in the morning and the stars and the dust on the road. Or was it more? Less? It didn't matter, now,because compared to anything Castiel was nothing.

He hated it.  
He was human, now. Which was strange. He had had his Grace ripped form him, he should be dead, really. Or some twisted empty creature. His brethren had there wings torn off, but kept the remainder of there Grace. Which he was partially grateful for,at least he hadn't ruined them completely with his idiocy. But he had had everything ripped form him. Hell, he shouldn't even have a mind. It didn't even make any sense. At least, perhaps, he should have been reborn as Anna was?

 

He sat on the edge of his new bed in the bunker, in the room Dean had said was his now. It was plain and simple and bare. Fresh to become anything he wished.  
He had walked for what seemed like ages before he managed to get to a town and asked a nice woman to use his phone and called Dean.He ran his fingers over the fabric of the sheets. Dean had gone to check on Sam after helping him in, who was recovering slowly. Crowley was locked in solitude, and Kevin was working tiressly to translate the Angel tablet. Castiel hated how useless he felt. He was more in tune with every feeling, he felt the pain of losing his Grace, the thing that was supposed to be his very essence like poison in his veins, regret seeming to pulse from every atom. Like a weight was dragging him further to the ground and he didn't have the strength to fight it anymore.  
It was said,when an angel loses its grace, and falls, they can choose to be born again, like Anna did, or revert to a somehow human form, or die. But if its taken from them, they become something twisted and empty and without a soul at all, like Lucifer did, or even die. But he didn't feel like he was completely empty. He didn't feel soulless, like Satan or Sam when he had accidentally left his soul behind. If anything, he felt even more aware of himself, of an essence. But how could that be? His essence had been ripped out of him, he should be hollow. Metatron had known this, why had he said those things about getting a life and coming back to heaven? He must have known something Cas did not, maybe he made some precaution to spare him of that fate. He tugged the jacket Dean had given him amongst the other cloths he had let him borrow while his where in the washer.

He looked deeper into himself, searching experimentally. Like dipping your toe in water to test the temperature. He felt, somehow deeper then he had before. Which made no sense. A fleeting human soul did not compare to an immortal angels grace,right? It was only logical that angels would have a deeper sense of being, after living for all for so long in a state of celestial supremacy. Humans where fleeting bursts of light compared to a shining beacon.  
But Cas knew that wasn't really true. He had always known. None of his brethren understood truly why there Father had loved the humans so much, why he cherished them and had asked heaven to bow to them. Lucifer had been cast out for it, even. The rebellion, the war, the prophecy of the Winchesters and Lucifer and Michael, all of it had started with all-powerful entities of light being asked to submit to low creatures of flesh and dirt.

But Castiel understood. He had always loved humans, loved watching them. Loved the way they acted out of a deep running passion that gripped there hearts and moved them to do such amazing things. Sometimes horrible, sometimes wonderful. Loved the way they could sacrifice so much to build something and then rip it all apart again in an instant. The way they seemed to rise and fall against each other, clash with a fury and then lull and become so passive and simple. The way they let there emotions rule without a second thought. Angels had emotions, but they where more distant and less important then the mission. Except to Castiel. He had always been different.  
He had understood why his Father thought so highly of such seemingly mundane creatures, because they where far from anything mundane. He loved to watch all they did. From raging fiery wars to the small task of brewing a cup of tea. They where dynamic and complicated and wonderful.  
Came off the line with a crack in your chassy.  
Those words rang in his head.  
Why him? Why was he so different from his brothers? Was his difference because of his understanding of the humans and his fathers actions or a product of it? According to Naomi, he had always acted out . Always went against the grain. But if that was true, then he had been made that way, Which meant God had made him different. And despit his anger and confusion at his absence, he knew that he did everything for a reason. But why?  
No matter what he did, he always ended up screwing it up.  
So why was he so different? Why was he still alive and still had some set of essence? His mind swirled with desperate confusion, so bad it hurt. Kevin had listened to his concern about the second subject and said he would look in the tablet about it.  
Dean ducked in the door, breaking is swirl of thoughts.  
"You must be hungry, come on. Ill make you something to eat." Dean held out a hand to help him up. Cas accepted it and followed him into the kitchen, sitting on a stool at the counter while the eldest Winchester rummaged for bread and sandwich makings, slicing cheese and tomatoes and spreading mayonnaise on bread busily. He assembled it and set the plate before Cas. It looked so good Cas realized how hungry he was. He guessed he had been in a bit of shock.  
"Thank you." He said softly, taking a large bite. Dean smiled. "No problem." He took a seat across from him,clearing his throat. "So, um… do you wanna talk about it?" Dean asked hesitantly,glancing up. The former angel took another bite, chewing it before he replied slowly. He kept his eyes down as he talked, not being able to look up into those green eyes. "He took me by surprise. Managed to trap me back in Naomi's chair,the same one she used to….you know." He felt like his throat was tightening but after all the times he had let Dean down, he deserved to know what had happened. "H-he cut open my throat, and…." Cas felt a sudden wave of something he couldn't understand, that caused his chest to since around his heart and tears to well up in his eyes. "I begged him, I did. I tried, I promise, I tried to stop him. But he just, he just reached in, and ripped my own Grace out of me. Like a flash of the worst pain you could imagine,and It was gone, and He just smiled down at me." Cas stopped,knuckles white as his fingers tug into his sandwich and tears where falling down his face. He realized he was shaking. And then Dean was getting up out of his chair,and pulling him into his arms, The mutilated sandwich fell onto the plate and Cas stiffened, before just sagging and letting himself fall into Dean's embrace. "Im going to kill him, don't doubt it. In the most painful way possible." Dean whispered. "He sealed himself into Heaven,Dean. You cannot get to him." Cas said tiredly,resting his head on Dean's shoulder. Dean huffed. "I don't care. Ill rip Heaven apart to get to him if I have to. Even If I have to die for it, I will get him" The hunter said with conviction. Cas turned his head up to look at him quizzically. "Why?" He asked. Dean stared. "What do you mean 'why'. Isn't it obvious?" He exclaimed. Cas broke away,stepping back and shaking his head. "I deserved it. After everything I've done, to you especially. I deserved it. How can you forgive me? I thought you hated me. " Cas added ,furrowing his brow. Dean seemed to go pale. Dean closed his eyes,rubbing a hand over his face. " I never hated you. I was just upset. You made mistakes. You where so obsessed with fixing everything, you thought it was your responsibility to fix Heaven. But its not. I just wanted you to stay. " Dean said desperately. Cas felt more tears begin to prick his eyes. "Ill stay. Im sorry I ever left. I was confused. But I promise- I won't leave again. Still, I do not see why you would go to such lengths to exact something as simple as revenge, on my behalf-" Cas shrugged. Dean looked wrecked as he stared down at him. The eldest Wwinchester ran a callused thumb over his cheeks, drawing the former angels attention back up to his eyes. "Because he hurt you, Cas. He reached into you and violated you, the very core of you, its pretty much the equivalent of angel rape. And I wasn't able to stop it. Im sorry."  
"It wasn't you fault."Cas said quickly.  
Dean sighed, turning away. Cas sat back down, and Dean went about making him another sandwich. They conversed about lighter subjects, and they where in the middle of Dean explaining the purpose of ATMS when a frazzled Kevin burst into the room, clutching the angel tablet.  
"I know! It had to be Cas! The third ingredient to cast the angels out of Heaven- I know why he used Cas!" He exclaimed,running a hand through his hair. Everyone whipped around to stare at him. Kevin cleared his throat, and holdup the paper in his hand. "The tablet- it lists the things you need to throw the angels down from heaven." he explained. Dean rolled his eyes. "Elaborate, Banner." he sighed. Kevin nodded, reading them of in a slow voice.  
"1- the heart of a Nephilim, product of such love between that of Heaven and such of Earth. 2- Bow of Cherub, Gift of Angel to the Hearts of Man, and 3- grace of an Angel in love with a Human of the Earth." He recited. There was absolute silence. Cas felt his throat constrict in ununderstandable panic. Dean furrowed his brow. Before anyone could say anything, Kevin continued. " That also explains why Cas didn't get reborn. An angel- they were built to be devoted to God. Not completely obedient, perhaps- but devoted. The reason that Anna chick decided to fall wasn't because she didn't love God- it was because she didn't like what Heaven had become without him. An Angel's very core , beyond grace, beyond soul really, its hard to explain- is there ingrained Love of God. Its literally there center. But if that center where to shift- if they came to love something more than God himself, they become different. And angel who loses there Grace, there center demotes them to be reborn as Human. Its like a bypass system, programmed into them, by God. But if God loses his complete hold over them, the Bypass system fails. Cas's center shifted- there's something he loves more than anything, more than God. Specifically, a Human." He rambled, losing breath. Dean turned to stare at him, and Cas just froze. Everything made sense now, it was clicking together in his own head, everything he had denied. Dean opened his mouth to say something, but panic overwhelmed the former angel, and he lept up and fled, running through the bunker and locking himself in his new room. He sat on the edge of his new bed, head in hands. Dean would never look at him the same again.

It seemed like hours he wallowed in panic and self hatred and despair, before there was a knock on his door. He froze.  
"…Cas? Can I talk to you?" Dean's voice called softly. Cas hesitated, before resigning to his fate and crossing to open the door slowly, head bowed. "Ill leave in the morning." He said quietly.  
"What? No- I don't want you to leave, Cas! Why would I want that?" He exclaimed, furrowing his brow in concern. Cas's eyes snapped up.  
"I-I thought you might be uncomfortable …" he started, but he couldn't finish the sentence, just looked away. He was pathetic. he had ruined the best friendship he had ever had- again.  
Dean stared at him, eyes looking him over like he was trying to take him apart atom by atom. He stepped forward a bit more. "Answer me one question, Castiel. After everything we've been through, all the mistakes we've both made, just answer me one thing." He said quietly, voice deep and full of something Cas couldn't yet name. He nodded wordlessly. 

"Who is it Who's more important to you, than everything, who's this person who's replaced even God in your heart?" Dean said slowly, green looking intently into blue.

Dean's eyes held him there, and Cas's mind whirred. A thousand replies, lies, ways to escape and never come back, emotions roiled in his head. But something snapped in him, resonating through his very soul till everything was quiet accept his fast beating heart and the one word it repeated over and over.  
"You."  
Dean looked like everything in the world had suddenly gone right, and he smiled so bright it almost hurt your eyes to look. Cas's breath hitched in his throat, he wanted Dean to be that happy every moment of every day, wanted to make him that happy. "You. Its always been you." He continued breathlessly.  
Dean took a step closer, reaching up a hand to cup his face and an arm to pull him in by the waist slowly. 

Standing there, human, kissing Dean Winchester in a light filled doorway, Castiel decided maybe everything wasn't the vastness of the universe at all.


End file.
